Beware of the Farce
by Melanda
Summary: Hobbits take over the world, random horror is released, Muggles go evil, and Star Wars comes to Pluto. What can possibly happen? This is my first fanfic, so Please Read and Review. Star Wars/Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings
1. Green Hair and Hobbitness

**Chapter 1: Green Hair and Hobbitness**

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The TV turns on.

It is remarkable that this TV turns on at all, as there is no one in the room. The location of said TV is also strange, as it is nowhere. But still, it is my duty to report that this strange TV in the far away country of Nowhere remarkably turns on.

Nowhere is somewhere, but, my dear reader, that is a story for another day.

CNN News Report Live From Los Angeles

A reporter appears on the screen of this nowhere TV, straight-faced as all reporters are. This un-rapturous reporter is reportedly reporting a repugnant report.

"And now for today's top news story," he starts. "A little short man with a curly neon green afro, reportedly riding a polar bear, has taken over New York City. Residents are asked to stay calm and to evacuate immediately. Beware of midgets."

How anyone could report this strange report with a straight face is beyond me. Perhaps this is why he is the reporter and I am just the sad reporter of his report.

The channel is flipped.

Again the source of this channel flipping is lost in this strange nothingness of Nowhere-land. How nothing could manage to flip television channels is beyond me, for as far as I am concerned, nothing has no fingers with which to push buttons on a TV or on a remote. But, I guess, nothing could change channels as the nothing is nowhere so the TV is nothing so the remote is nothing and nothing ever happened. But, one can only wish that is the explanation for this strange occurrence.

Live From New Zealand

New Zealand is, of itself a strange place, though it is not fortunate enough to be the strange mysterious place called nowhere.

"Midgets are taking over the world. SWIM FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Hmmm…so much for straight-faced reporting reporters.

The channel is flipped once again.

Live From London, England

"Countries from around the world have fallen to the wrath of the little people. These midgets call themselves Hobbits." The (remarkably un-straight-faced) reporter on the TV starts giggling like a rather strange girl. "Hobbit, schmobbit, bobbit, poppet." (Though, I think, his intellectual capabilities are far stranger that his rather girly laugh.)

He looks up at the other reporter in the room (who is reportedly female).

"Ello Poppet," he slobbers at her.

She stands up, looking grossed out (again, so much for straight-faced reporters, though I can't really blame her for looking like this in the presence of this strange, unintelligent, girly man). "In your dreams fat boy."

The other reporter's lips start quivering. He starts bawling. (Rather emotional, this one.) Gigantic hands reach into the room and pull the male reporter out.

He starts screaming. "No, no, you're messing up my manicure," he shrieks out, causing quite a disturbance to the listeners to this insane broadcast and myself, the one who is unfortunate enough to be relaying this inane, senseless tale for the amusement of yourself, dear reader.

As for the manicure of this reportedly male reporter, why he would have a manicure is beyond me. If you wish to know you should ask him…though I warn you he might not be totally coherent. He is just a couple of words on (figurative) paper after all and no author can really be responsible for all of his/her characters' actions. Nevertheless, these strange giant hands succeed in pulling this now-incoherent reporter out of his…reporting…room, though not without sustaining some damage to said manicured fingernails.

Then there is appreciated silence, as there, strangely, always is after a series of strange, shrieking stages. The female reporter looks as if Christmas came a few months early (which, as I have unfortunately found out is never a good idea). "My hero," she shrieks.

She rushes up to do the ever-required "mu mu mu mu mu" part to her rescuer, but finds herself looking down at a snarl of brilliantly neon green hair.

She screams.

The TV suddenly goes black.

A creepy voice starts talking.

"All survivors are asked to evacuate immediately to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. For directions please see……"

A scream issues from out of the TV.

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As it is my duty to relay these strange occurrences to you, the reader, I also feel it is my duty to warn you from eating or drinking while reading this insane tale. I am not responsible for choking/eye watering/laughing fits/ coughing fits/etc. while you are in the vicinity of this stupidity. Now, don't say I didn't warn you, but by now I think it is already too late.


	2. Never Be an Author

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[This broadcast has been interrupted by a breaking news bulletin.

"Hold up," says the author. "That's not supposed to be in there."

Delete Delete Delete

[This broadcast has been interrupted by a breaking news bulletin.

"No no no no NO. This is NOT in my story," yells the author. "Somebody is going to pay."

Delete Delete Delete

A hobbit pops up. "Here, how about a million bucks?"

[This program………

A high-pitched scream issues from out of the room.

[This program has been interrupted by a breaking news bulletin.

"Penguins have taken over the world. Repeat: penguins have taken over the world. It has been reported that hobbits have a soft spot for penguins. The penguins took advantage of this and took over the world.

"We now move to Antarctica to speak with the leader of the penguins, the Penguin Palpatator."

The reporter moves over to a furry blue monster. "Sir, how do you feel now that you are the dictator overlord of the whole world?

The furry blue monster looked confused. "Me Cookie Monster. Cookie Monster start with C. C is for cookie that's good enough for me. C is for cookie that's good enough for me. Oh cookie cookie cookie start with c c c."

"Sorry sir," says the reporter. "Can you point me towards the Penguin Palpatator?"

Cookie Monster again looked confused. "Me can say my ABCs. A B C D E F G….."

The reporter tried again. "Sir, please, can you tell me where the Penguin Palpatator can be found?"

"H I J K ELEMENOPEEEE……"

The reporter looked around, helpless.

"Q R S T U V W X and Z."

"Ah ha," said the reporter.

"Whoops, me forgot Y. W X Y and Z!"

"SHUT UP"

Cookie Monster started crying.

The reporter rolled his eyes. He spotted another man who looked sort of penguiny. Well, he was black and white, anyway. The reporter walked up to him.

"Excuse me sir. Are you the Penguin Palpatator?"

"It's THE Penguin Palpatator, not the Penguin Palpatator you stupid little hobbit," the guy screamed in a high-pitched girly voice.

The reporter whimpered. "I ain't a hobbit."

"Course you aren't," the guy said. "My bad. Now what do you want? An autograph? Sorry, no can do, my hands are kinda paralyzed right now. Probably from hitting myself."

"Um um yea," stammered the reporter, "Um well, um, sir um how do you feel now you are overlord of the whole world?"

"That's DICTATOR Overlord to you pea brain."

"It's COOKIE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cookie Monster came barging in.

Both the reporter and the Penguin Palpatator, um, well, THE Penguin Palpatator DICTATOR Overlord of the whole world (geez that's really long: TPPDOOTWW)

OK, anyway, they both ran away screaming. Or singing, I couldn't tell which.

_After the next couple of chapters Star Wars dominates the story. That's why it's categorized as Star Wars. I just had to get that straight._


	3. Tea Time!

"So Hogwarts is now the last safe place for humans," Dumbledore said looking past the Anti-Muggle Switch to McGonagall who had been dancing around his office for the past 15 minutes.

"What? Oh, yea."

"What's up with you?" Dumbledore asked.

McGonagall avoided the question. "Aren't you supposed to be dead.

"The author has so kindly brought me back to life and would like me to remind you fo the little agreement the two of you had."

She stopped. "The one where she wanted me to hop around while screaming the Barney song?"

"Well is that the one?"

"You're not helping," McGonagall snapped. "Didn't she want you to get your hair cut after she brought you back to life and to ditch that thing you tie your beard with?"

"As a matter of fact I did. I had it trimmed. ¼ of an inch."

"1/4 of an inch? You idiot, that's not getting your hair cut!"

"Of course it is."

"Is not."

"Is too." Dumbledore shrieked

"Whatever." McGonagall resumed dancing.

"What's wrong wit chu, bret? Stop dancing, bret."

"Leave me alone. I'm planning my next make out date with Snape."

"Oh ho," Dumbledore giggled. "McG and Snape sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

All of a sudden, Snape burst into the room. "Ooo, oooo, sing along. More, more." He stopped as the clock boomed out. "It's naked time!"

He stripped off his shirt and started singing.

"I'm a little teapot

Short and stout

Here is my handle

Here is my spout…."

"Oh my gosh, I can't watch." McGonagall covered her eyes.

Dumbledore looked fascinated. "Why? I thought you were going out with him."

"You pervert, stop looking at him."

"When I get all steamed up

I will shout……"

"You know, he does have a very nice six-pack," Dumbledore said.

"Ewww. Get away from me!"

"Tip me over and pour me out." Snape looked up. "Thank you, thank you very much."

McGonagall stomped up to him. "You idiot. You're fired from being my boyfriend."

Snape started whimpering. "No, no, McGonagall my love, NOOOOOOO."

McGonagall turned on her heel and stomped out.

Snape sniffed at Dumbledore, and then started bawling.

Dumbledore smiled. "Is Snapey wapey sad? I'll give you a BIG hug so you'll feel all warm inside."

Snape looked shocked. He backed towards the wall with the Anti-Muggle Switch in it.

"Come here Snapey wapey. Let me give you a hug."

A Hobbit popped up. "Yola senoritas."

Snape and Dumbledore both stared.

The Hobbit giggled insanely "Water balloon fight!" He throws a balloon at Dumbledore.

Dumbledore screams. "I'm melting, I'm melting."

Snape joins in yelling, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Save me."

Then- plop. All that is left of Dumbledore is a puddle.

Snape looked ready to murder. "I'll get you for this," he told the hobbit.

"He he sure you will." The hobbit disappeared with a loud CRACK.

Snape looked down at the puddle, which was once Dumbledore. He sat down and sobbed.

And sobbed.

And sobbed.

And cried some more.

Finally, after almost an hour, Snape looked up. He had an evil glint in his eye.

Something bad is going to happen.

Snape determinedly stood up, and walked over to the wall holding the Anti-Muggle switch.

Jaws music starts playing

He pulled the switch down.

Down.

Down.

Down.

A lightning bolt came out of nowhere.

All was silent.


	4. Polka Dot Bikinis

Thanks to everyone who's reviewed!

I know I haven't updated in a while (little something called school) but here it is.

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**Chapter 4**

"Hola, hola, hola." Professor Flitwick smiled at a bunch of Muggles. "Que pasa?"

The Muggles looked at him strangely. One in their group, a little boy of about 5 laughed. "Oooooo, look, it's a midget!"

"Elemosino il vostro parden."

The whole group looked at him like he had some sort of disease, then moved on into the Great Hall.

"Hey wat up my homie skillet biscuit?" (Pillsbury, please) Professor Trelawney trotted up. (neigh) In a (get ready…..)

"Itsy bitsy

Teeny weenie

Yellow polka-dot

Bikini!"

"Yo, somebody turn off those speakers right now, bret." Trelawney face Flitwick. "What freakish person installed those freakish things in the first place?"

Flitwick started drooling.

"Yo bret, what you lookin' at?"

"Sembrate caldi in un bikini."

"Why you speakin' in that freakish language bret?"

"Eu te amo."

"What?"

"Eu te amo."

"What the heck? You not my homie skillet biscuit no more. Bye."

Trelawney turned to walk away. All of a sudden…….

Wait for it

Wait for it

Wait for it

Wait for it……

"It was an

Itsy bitsy

Teeny weenie

Yellow polka dot…"

CRACK

Trelawney and Flitwick both screamed.

"Os camelos estao comedo."

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHH!"

"Okay, shut up freak," Trelawney said, "What was up wit tha-at?"

"Uw gezicht."

"Ahne na aw wa."

Trelawney turned around. "What that bret?"

"Eu quero um bolinho."

"Shut up wit chu and your freakish ways."

Another crash echoed toward them out of Great Hall. Trelawney screamed again.

"AHHHH bret save me! Evil albino bunnies are taking over the world!"

"Ayuda! Enviare mis conejitos que beben de cappichino rosado rabioso despues de usted y le hare paga."

Harry Potter ran screaming like a girl out of Great Hall. "AHHHHHH! Muggles are turning evil and are ruining my manicured nails." He crashed into a suit of armor and blacked out.

Trelawney and Flitwick both looked at each other. They both pulled open the huge doors to Great Hall and saw……..

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Ooooo, what did they see? Evil muggles? Honey nut cheerios? Johnny Depp? 

LOL

More reviews, and I'll tell you what they saw.

Until then,

I dunno.

Now, on to the Star Wars part which will totally dominates this story

In the next chapter.


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